I never imagined, when I originally wrote the “50 Shades of Grace” blog post in 2015, that it would have gone as viral as it did. I never imagined it would light such a flame in my heart to tackle the sexual stranglehold the enemy has over our society. I never imagined it would pour out the foundations for an entire book. But, then again, God does immeasurably more with our vulnerability….more than we can ever imagine.
I’m thankful for His grace.
You can read the original poem below. But I hope this video…these words…the book that grew out of these truths…I hope they stir hope and healing in your soul. If you are hungry to know what God truly has to say about sex, sexual sin, and redemption, I encourage you to snag a copy of Sex, Jesus, and the Conversations the Church Forgot today.
When I opened the heavy door of the silver truck and a playing card fell out from the wad of papers and business cards and folders wedged behind the passenger seat…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
When my innocent eyes turned it over to see a man and a woman doing things I felt dirty for even seeing…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
When my heart wanted to pound out of my chest and my hands started to sweat and I tried my hardest to act like I hadn’t seen a thing when the daddy I loved climbed into the driver’s seat…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
When I, a little girl, couldn’t get those images out of my head…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
And when my curiosity and confusion lead me to search for what else I could find when nobody was looking…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
When I found more of the filth and the porn and the nudity…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
When I tried to forget the things I had seen and felt guilty for the curiosity that lingered in me…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
And when I first rationalized that it wasn’t all that bad if it was allowed in the movies…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
When I came downstairs in the middle of the night for a glass of juice, and instead turned the corner to see the things on TV that kept my dad out of the arms of my mommy…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
And when, time and time again, I stumbled into our home office and saw him quickly turn off the computer screen…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
When I started to get older and began to come across more of the things that bound and plagued the mind and heart of my daddy…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
And when those things began to interest and coerce the mind and heart of me…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
For every time I found my way to the websites I shouldn’t have seen…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
When I idolized the allure and the power of the women on the screen…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
For every time I thought becoming like them would make me sexy and accepted by the men I would meet…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
And for every time I rationalized that I was watching it so I could learn a few things…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
And for every time the guilt and shame, afterwards, lingered in me…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
When I thought becoming a woman meant pleasing a man…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
For the time I liked the idea of that high school senior, when I was just 14…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
And for the memories that followed me after I tried a few things in the front seat of that Mustang GT…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
For the shame that bound me and the filthy courage that grew in me…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
As I craved the power I felt when I learned I could tease…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
And for the number I lost track of, of guys who got a piece…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
Even through the twisted perception of power and beauty that blinded my ability to see…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
When I convinced myself I was still HOLY and blameless because I’d never given anyone EVERYTHING…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
When the rumors started spreading and the reputation of my actions owned me…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
And when the frustrated voices in my head wanted to scream at the strangers in my bed, but I put on a smile to seem sexy…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
For the night where one man almost forced me behind a locked door and muscles I couldn’t defeat…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
Through all of the desire and all of the tears and all of the brokenness that I made look pretty…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
For the still, small voice inside of me that never stopped repeating, “You’re worth more than all of these things…”
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
And for the King who met me in my filth and wreckage, and told me I was redeemed…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
For the purity that was restored as I surrendered my desires…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
For the courage I was given to step away from the friends and the settings and the triggers of my promiscuity…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
In the times where I was tempted and everything in me had to fight against the enemy…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
Despite the sins I stumbled back into and crawled out of in defeat…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
Despite the doubt and the judgement and the laughter I received…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
And in the season of singleness and devotion to a King I chose to help heal my suffering…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
For the new eyes I was given to see porn as God sees it…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
For the new heart I was given to ache deeply for the sexual sin in our society…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
For the new creation God made me, undefined by my broken things…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
And for the forgiveness He extended when I struggled to forgive myself…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
For the man who came along and met me in my healing…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
For the hand that held mine and respected my body and pointed me towards righteous things…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
For the times he honored me and sought after me and cherished me as redeemed…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
And when he winced and sighed as I told him of my past and confessed my struggles and sins…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
When he wiped my tear and lifted my chin and told me he forgave me because I was already forgiven by God…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
When he found beauty in my scars and courage in my voice and joy in my smile and laugh…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
And when he took a knee and asked me if he could honor me for the rest of my days…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
When we exchanged vows and he promised to always put Christ before me…
I’m thankful for 50 shades of grace.
And when we crawled into a bed, as husband and wife, blanketed ONLY in holy matrimony…
I owed everything to the 50 shades of grace that were so undeserved, but so freely given to me.
*****
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